I love having children. They are my joy. Just like we're promised, they bring me laughter and gladness. I feel so often that these are magical days we're living. I love it when they squeal with laughter, as they cuddle, or master new skills... but, I realized something the other day as I did the unglamorous job of moping the kitchen floor; to have joy we must do the work of joy. It has been my experience, that joy actually requires a great deal of work.
Recently, I've been following some debates about inequality of women within the Mormon church. The arguments are interesting and valid on both sides. I wanted to take just a moment to explore my current thoughts and feelings.
On the one hand, I am deeply grateful to the women and men who have protested inequality and have made effective changes in areas like women's right to vote, to own property, to gain an education, and to cultivate skills. Because of them, I am employable in the workplace. These opportunities have been a huge blessing in my life.
On the other hand, I don't believe some of the privileges have come without a price. I feel that many men have used the feminist rhetoric as an excuse to not step up and perform their responsibilities. More and more woman are expected to work outside the home, these women are not relinquished of their home responsibilities, they must still manage the day care, plan the meals, supervise the housekeeping, etc. but they must do it in addition to their full time jobs. Having worked outside the home for over five years, I know that simply holding a full time job is stressful. I can only imagine how that is compounded when you add raising a family to your full time job. Its a situation I don't desire to be in.
So while I'm grateful for the ability I have to be independent, I'm also grateful that I don't have to be. I feel blessed when my husband takes seriously his role to provide and protect the family he helped equally in creating. Truthfully, I'm happiest when I feel I can depend on him. Ultimately, I believe in gender roles. I don't want responsibility over his roles instead I want a partner who will join with me in doing the hard work of joy. I will happily fold the laundry, if he'll take out the trash. I will wake up in the middle of the night to breastfeed the baby if he will wake up in the morning and go to work. I'll gladly bathe the children and get them ready for church, when he is serving in church meetings. I don't have a need to sit in on church courts, or pass the sacrament, or be a Sunday School president. I do have a need to trust that those things are done honorably, dependably, and fairly.
So before I stand up in protest asking for more gender equality in the church, I would kneel down and ask for more men who are willing to be dependable in doing the work of joy. So that fewer women have to get the kids ready for church while their husband watches the football game or plays a video game. So that fewer women cry as they leave their child with a sitter, because their husband won't work a full day or won't better his skills for a higher paying job or even worse, he has left them for somebody else or never really claimed responsibility for their actions in the first place.
I would ask that more men do their home teaching so that the few who are diligent can share the load more evenly. And I would ask that fewer women have to forfeit having a marriage and children, because finding a man who will be dependable in their responsibilities is such a difficult task.
I know that men are not always to blame in these situations, but I guess that is exactly my point. More than "equality" or man and woman having the same responsibilities, I would like more dependability from each gender in performing well their roles. To quote David O. McKay, "What E're thou art, act well thy part." I think performing our roles, dependably, will bring the greatest joy and endear us to one another so that it is easier to cross gender roles in support of each other.
"In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." I know I feel the most supported when 1) my husband has completed the things I depend on him to do and then 2) reaches out to serve me by helping in my role. When he uses his free time to help me mop the floor or to prepare a meal, I feel loved and want to give back. And although I know he appreciates all the gender traditional tasks I perform, like the laundry or the dishes, I think my token contributions to the financial well being of the family and my judicious use of the resources he works hard to provide are among the most appreciated of the services I give.
The work of joy requires that both traditionally masculine and feminine tasks be completed... a clean house brings more joy than a disorderly home; nutrition brings more joy than malnutrition; financial security is less stressful then insecurity. How these tasks are divided may be subjective and maliable but having a reliable partner to share in the work is necessary for the work to be joyous. If a demand for equality has the unintended result of relieving one gender of their responsibilities and the other absorbing a greater share of the responsibilities, then I don't feel equality has been reached at all... and certainly joy in the work is much harder to find.
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